Women’s orgasms have been the butt of comics, trashy movies, and even the press.

It’s a common belief that men give their women orgasms, and all orgasms stop with menopause.

Neither of those beliefs are true.  Yet many women, especially older women who have already been through menopause are sure that their time for orgasms are over. Or, if you are one of those women who have never had an orgasm, you may well be sure you never will.

Again, not true. Many of my clients have been over 50, even over 60 and 70, and they were still able to have their first orgasms.

Orgasms is a mind set and a skill. It is not a gift from someone else, but a gift you give yourself.

You just need three things to ensure you will be successful in having your first orgasm:

1.  A commitment to your self to keep going when it gets frustrating and/or difficult. It’s not as easy when you’ve had years of neglect in this area.

Like an old sewing machine that has been sitting on the shelf for years, unused and almost forgotten, you can’t expect to make a designer ball gown as your first project.

You have to get your “machine” dusted off, reacquaint yourself with all the features, and go back to reading the manual.

And, then, you need to practice on smaller projects first. Don’t expect to produce stunning results after years of neglect.

2. You need to give yourself permission to be your whole sexual self. The second step in this process is getting to know your body: your tools and your machine. Most women have no idea of what they look like, or how things work. Even women who regularly have orgasms.

Whether it’s because you were taught it was nasty to touch yourself, or nice girls didn’t think of those things, or have bought into the myth that orgasms are a gift from your man, it doesn’t matter.

If you want to have an orgasm, you will have to decide if you want to keep believing what you’ve been believing, or if you want to experience the satisfaction and pleasure you’ve been denying yourself.

This means, getting to know your machine. Taking a look, feel around, see what is what, and where your feel the most pleasure. It’s different for different women. Not right or wrong, just different. Find out what your are like.

Get out your hand mirror, lock the door if it makes you feel more comfortable, and take a look. Don’t be afraid to touch. You won’t break.

Then explore what feel good, what doesn’t, what is a surprise or what’s a revelation.

When you give yourself permission, you’ll find your body much more accommodating and much more responsive. Be brave. It won’t hurt, and you’ll find your comfort level increasing.

3. The third step is lots of practice. When you first return to sewing, you’ll find your fingers have forgotten all they knew. You have to start again with baby steps. And practice, practice, practice.

If you’ve never sewn, it will take a lot of practice, often with the instruction book at your side as you go through each step again and again. And, you may not want to share your initial projects with others. That’s understandable. Most of us want to get some skill before talking about what we’re doing.

Start with small goals, and gradually work up. Maybe your first few practice sessions will be just getting comfortable and knowledgeable about your body.

Then you can start exploring different touches, different pressures, and different combinations of touches.

Be prepared to take a fair amount of time on task. Don’t worry about spending too much time. Many of my clients have reported that they will often stop for “no good reason, it just seemed like the time to stop.”

When we debrief the session, we find they have really had the beginnings of their first orgasms. They are brief, often subtle, but do happen.

If that is you, keep on going for a while longer. You’ll be pleased with your response, and start to experience just what got you there.

Spend a few minutes in relaxed reflection after you stop pleasuring yourself. Debrief for yourself:

  • What did you learn?
  • What worked?
  • What interfered?
  • What do you want to do again?
  • What do you not want to do again?

And then, schedule your next private time to practice.

Pretty soon you will be making not just ball gowns, but couture creations!