Many couples, both younger and older, unwittingly relegate a satisfying sexual relationship into nonexistence. And then wonder why they aren’t feeling as connected, and loving as they once had.
For the most part, when I’ve asked these couples what the problems seem to be, they say some version of “we really love each other, but we just never seem to have any time to make love.”
Inevitably, as we probe around for what’s getting in the way, they admit to a pattern, not just in their relationship, but their lives as a whole.
They value “being spontaneous, able to take advantage of lots of different kinds of opportunities.”
Then they go on to talk about how many gatherings their extended family has planned, their church programs and parties, the community activities they support, and of course, keeping their home and vehicles in good operating order.
At some point, they wind down from telling me all of what they have going on, as they realize they don’t have any time for spontaneous loving because they’re spontaneously filling their time with lots of other activities and obligations.
Their disconnect with each other, and their intimate times, reflects a relationship pattern that’s typically been a part of their lives for many years. It’s a pattern of being spontaneous, and not planning what they want to have happen, but letting life happen to them
The sad fact is, most couples who find themselves in this pattern have no idea of what they’ve done to themselves.
It might have started when their kids were at home, or with a busy job, or a special need from a job or important volunteer cause.
They just kept adding obligations, some of which were really rewarding, fun, or satisfying. Without realizing they were so busy with spontaneous saying yes to outside activities, they’d lost their focus on the importance of staying connect with each other.
If this is you, and things haven’t been as good as you like, you might consider challenging yourself with what I call the “DP?”
You know, Dr Phil’s famous, frequent question: “How’s that working for you?”
If it isn’t working, you might consider making some changes in what you are doing or how you are doing what you’re doing.
Your objective could be, how to have happy love life and a happy life at the same time.
While it might seem trite to say “keep the lines of communication open and flowing,” being able to talk together about what’s important to both of you now, and what you can do so each of you can get what you say you want, is crucial.
Schedule some time to talk, at least to consider what more likely could get you what you say you want.
More special, spontaneous, intimate time with each other.
And, then, schedule your “spontaneous” intimate time into your calendar first.
It will put your relationship back into a priority position in your lives.
