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Archive for Senior Sex Desire

For Satisfying Senior Sex Avoid the Trap of Low Desire

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

No couple goes to bed one night, shares a satisfying lovemaking session and then decides it will be the last one.

Ever.

Yet, this is what happens to many couples who end up with low drive: dramatically decreasing the number of times they make love.  Maybe even stopping all together.

Especially senior lovers.

Seldom is low desire attributed to inept lovemaking, or even ED.

Almost always low desire, not wanting to make love, not getting aroused, has to do with relationship problems. Either the relationship you have with your honey, or the one you have with yourself.

By your sexual relationship with yourself, I mean the feelings, beliefs, values and ideas you’ve learned, adopted, or decided over the years.
One of the most potent stoppers of satisfying senior sex is either of you believing sex is just for making babies. Once that option is closed, couples with this belief stop having sex.

Some women still hear their parents’ warnings about sex: nice girls shouldn’t. Others find specific practices their honeys favor to be embarrassing, distasteful, or shameful.

Sometimes, it’s your partner’s response. One client shared her husband always jumped out of bed as soon as he came, gargled noisily, brushed his teeth, and took a long shower. Then he changed into fresh p.j.’s before coming back to bed.

She was mortified. Sure he thought sex with her was distasteful at best, or possibly even went so far as to be disgusting.

When I suggested she find a way to share her feelings, she admitted she was too afraid to hear the reason why he did what he did.

His unusual behavior and her inability to speak up about her fears and concerns undermined their whole relationship.

After a few short counseling sessions, she decided this was just the way her life would have to be.

She would still let him have sex with her, she just wouldn’t respond.

To see them today, you can tell they are just existing together. She has her friends and interests, and he has his.

Seldom do you see them together.

All because they couldn’t/wouldn’t talk about what was bothering her.

Do you see any of yourself here? What is the unspeakable you are avoiding? What impact is it having on your relationship? How is it getting in the way of your satisfying senior sex?

Why not be the one that brings it up?

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Can Sex Therapy Lead to More Satisfying Senior Sex?

Friday, February 6th, 2009

The short answer to the question above is, “You bet it can!” T

he longer answer is, it’s not usually the first resort when you want to improve your love life.Most people are intrigued by the idea of sex therapy, but have no idea of what it entails, what clients and therapists do, and are afraid the first step is always taking off your clothes.

Let’s get some straight talk about sex therapy:

Sex therapy is not about taking off your clothes. For the most part, the therapist will talk with his or her clients, give suggestions, ask questions, understand what the clients’ objectives are, and work out an action plan to achieve those objectives.

Even before a therapist can start to change behavior, they need to check out what you are thinking and feeling about yourself, your partner, and the two of you as sexual beings. Let’s face it: most of us have grown up with or gathered some limiting beliefs and attitudes about sex that interfere with our pleasure and satisfaction. So, the therapist will be sure to address these first, so they can be acknowledged, dispelled, and defused.

The next step is insuring you know about what you want to do. Typically, clients have some misconceptions or lack vital information they need to have satisfying senior sex. After the initial introductory session, a sex therapist typically starts with giving accurate information about sexual functioning, anatomy and physiology. You can’t start to change what you’ve been doing unless you understand the process and the parts that need to work together to insure your intimate experiences will both pleasurable and fulfilling. So, first things first: getting the information you need.

Then the therapy shifts into high gear. The sex therapist will use all the information you’ve provided, including your wants and needs, any limitations you might have, like bad knees or an arthritic hip, and start to outline a change plan.

Typically, you will get suggestions about new approaches to practice, techniques to implement, and activities to do before each of your practice sessions, and instructions on how to debrief your practice sessions.

Some of the suggestions may be very explicit. Specific activities to do, techniques to use, and equipment that might be helpful.  Others will be topics to discuss or communication patterns to try.

Your practice sessions are just for the two of you, in the privacy of your own home, with no one else around.

Of course, you will debrief with the therapist, what went well, what didn’t, what to do instead, and what to do next.

Learning new love’n techniques and practices is like any other learning…it is hard to get started with new activities…but the more you practice,, the easier it becomes and you start to reap the rewards of your hard work.

In my newest book, How to Enjoy a Satisfying Love Life All Life Long, I use these same sex therapy practices to help couples increase their satisfaction with senior sex even if he sometimes has trouble with ED. Check it out http://satisfyingseniorsex.com/keep-on-loven/

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Stop Letting Low Desire Sabotage Satisfying Senior Sex

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

Low sexual desire is more than a stereotype. Diminished desire is a major factor in decreasing both the number of times seniors have sex, and the satisfaction they experience with senior sex.

Which is really too bad, because all intimacy, for both older and younger people, Read More→

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Oragasms…vaginal? clitoral? g-spot?

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

I don’t know about you…but I am finished with the whole “debate” over vaginal, g-spot, clitoral orgasms.

There are still so many women who just want to have one…no matter how you could classify it.

So, let’s get serious and talk a little about anatomy and physiology. Don’t be squeamish. If Oprah could do it on national television, you can read about it in the privacy of your own computer.

So, just what is an orgasm and how do you make sure you have one, have had one, or can’t imagine what it would be like to have one.

If we talk about the process of women having an orgasm, it is very similar to what men experience. The parts are different, but not the process.

Like men, it starts with desire. It’s the emotion of desire, wanting to be sexual with this person at this time, that starts the flow of hormones and chemicals triggering the flow of blood into your genital area, specifically your clitoris and your labia. At the same time, the chemicals trigger the flow of lubricating fluids in your vagina.

Your body is getting ready to have intercourse.

And, your feelings are bringing you there. As you relax into your feelings, your body responds to make sure you are ready and able to experience an orgasm.

Most couples start their love making sessions with sensuous hugs, kisses, caresses, and sweet nothings whispered to each other. All of these activities stimulate and build desire.

As desire builds, most find they want and appreciate more direct sexual stimulation to their most sensitive areas…lips, breasts (yes many men also find this stimulating and exciting), necks, ears, all those favorite personal erogenous zones. Especially the genitals.

Because the clitoris is the area of a woman’s body most tightly packed with nerve endings, most women find it exquisitely sensitive and erotic. In fact many women find it difficult to have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. Smart men know this, and make sure their ladies get the stimulation they want, need, and appreciate.

Smart women find they can stimulate themselves during their love making to help themselves over the hump into the release of orgasm.

Does this mean that all orgasms are triggered by stimulating the clitoris?

Not necessarily.

But every woman is different and has her own pattern, sensitive areas, and types of stimulation that will most effectively help her achieve an orgasm.

The key is making sure you both know what works, how much and what kind of stimulation works best to trigger an orgasm.

If you’re one of the vast number of couples that are still working on both of you having an orgasm during your lovemaking session, make sure you take time for each of you.

And not necessarily at the same time.

Most couples find it impossible to have the much discussed and fantasized simultaneous orgasms. Men and women’s bodies seem to work on a totally different schedules during a love making session.

So, relax, lay back, enjoy yourselves, and find a rhythm and pattern that can satisfy each of you…most of the time.

(See the article on Good Enough Lovemaking.)

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Is Your Intimate Life “Good Enough?”

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

If you look at the movies or romance novels, you’d come to believe ever time everyone else has sex, the rafters shake, bells ring, and both participants have earth shattering multiple orgasms.

At the same time.

It’s easy to feel like you and yours don’t measure up if you’re expecting to deliver this kind of performance every time.

Time to get a grip. Life is not a movie, especially porn a movie, nor a romance novel…and you’re not characters in either.

For us mere mortals, every lovemaking session does not, and will not, ring bells or take us to a new plane of existences.

Stop worrying about rating your performance, and start enjoying each other.

Sometimes your time together will be fun, sometimes funny, and a few times the best you’ll get is some version of “at least we did it.”

Intimacy means attending to all your wants and needs, everything from a quick poke to a humorous roll in the hay, to quiet consolation, or a deep intimate connection.

You can laugh, cry, giggle and sigh…and sometimes, just sometimes, hit the bell of earth shattering.
Studies show most couples, regardless of age, rate their own intimate sessions as great less than 30% of the time. The rest of the times vary from “well we did it” to “not too bad” to some version of “we’re not going to do that again.”

So, stop worrying about rating your performance, and start enjoying yourself.

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